Just wanna clear these things off my mind~

I just don’t understand why!?
Why him? Why that?
What did he ever did to you til you have to tell stories like that?
Stories that can destroy people. Stories that make other people disrespect and think badly of them.
Why would you create such stories?
What are your reasons? Even if you’re the most mentally disturbed person, you must’ve have one, right?
Or you’re the kind of person who thought that fantasy is a reality?

Questions inside my head.

Terkilan

So dah macam 3 tahun cerita karut yang disebarkan oleh perempuan tak malu itu circulate dalam ‘circle of friends’ korang barulah nak cerita?

Kalau bukan sebab korang gaduh besar pasal hal yang menggegarkan NNSMA itu, tak akan sampailah cerita itu kat telinga aku. Mungkin sampai bila pun aku tak tahu cerita.

Yalah, kan korang ‘macam’ BFF – best friends forever. BFF kan saling percaya-mempercayai. Tak fikir logic atau rasional, maka percaya buta-buta apa ‘kawan’ tu cakap.

Kalau fikir sedikit logik, mungkin boleh sedar something wrong somewhere dari cerita itu. Mungkin. Tapi mungkin tidak.

Tapi sebab korang ‘macam’ berkawan baik dan asyik berkepit together, apa yang dia cakap adalah benar di mata korang. Jadi korang bercerita. Dan bercerita.

Dan bila nampak aku, entah apa yang korang fikir? Aku tak boleh nak imagine.

Dan bila nampak lelaki itu, apa pulaklah korang kutuk dalam hati?

Dan bila tengok kami gembira bersama, apalah agaknya yang bermonolog di hati dan mulut korang?

Aku tidak sanggup nak teka siapa lagilah yang korang ceritakan pasal hal hasil karutan perempuan itu. Korang kan satellite. Korang receive and transmit. Mungkin ada tambah sedikit garam dan gula. Mungkin. Aku tak mahu berburuk sangka, aku harap ada juga cerita yang di’receive’ tidak di’transmit’kan. Entahlah.

Tak. Bukan sebab baru sekarang aku tahu. Bukan aku marah. Aku cuma sangat-sangat terkilan. Tapi bukan boleh buat apa-apa. The damage is done.

Cerita itu tetap telah ter’circulate’. Dan aku yakin sebahagian besar (kalau tak semua) orang yang dapat tahu cerita itu telah percaya bulat-bulat (dan masih percaya).

Dan kalau sekarang orang baru tahu perangai sebenar perempuan itu, atau kalau orang baru nak sedar cerita itu tak betul, it did not change anything. If one thing changed, itu adalah me knowing about it.

Jangan salah faham. Ini bukan pasal korang. Aku memang tak nak terlibat dengan hal korang tu. Ini pasal aku.

In a way, aku sangat-sangat bersyukur jugaklah sebab aku baru tahu sekarang. Sekarang, bila kami sangat stable. Sekarang, bila aku dan dia sudah lama bersama. Sekarang, bila aku sudah faham dan kenal dia dan keluarga dia. Sekarang, bila aku boleh berfikir dengan rasional dan tenang dan tidak terburu-buru. Sekarang, bukan 3 tahun lepas.

Sebab kalau aku tahu 3 tahun lepas, things wouldn’t be the same. Sebab 3 tahun lepas aku tidak stable, tidak boleh berfikir secara rasional, tidak kenal dan tidak langsung percaya dia. Dan 3 tahun lepas, aku insecure dan emosi aku sangat bercelaru. Ya, kalau 3 tahun lepas aku tahu, most probably I would believe and things would get really ugly.

Jadi terima kasih sebab baru sekarang exposekan aku dengan cerita delusional perempuan itu.

Cumanya aku sangat curious – yang korang cakap pasal 4 kali dia buat hal itu, termasuk ini ke??

In the end…

I finally ready to announce this.

I’m blogging here now.

So, I can say that this blog is officially inactive since last post. Sorry guys.

But I’m keeping this blog. Maybe someday I’ll be active again.

Besides, it kinda has some sentimental value.

Love.

On hiatus.

Due to various circumstances, i might not be posting anything anytime soon…
Exams are coming, my laptop has this huge problem coz it’s power supply broken and it can’t be switch on at all except when I lend my friend’s laptop to charge my laptop battery.. But despite that it’ll only be working for the max of 3 hour.
I don’t know when I’ll be posting the next post..
So.. that’s it.
Hee~

I want to go home!

Cepat lah abis semua exam~

Cepat-cepatlah bulan 7!

Being away from home for 9 months, sapa yang tak homesick?

I’m at my limit! I want to go home~

Exam! Nyaaaa~

Obstetric exam – next Friday, 14th of May

Surgery exam – maybe as early as 27th of May. Have to discuss with Mr. Avdonin.

Neurology – Actual date is 8th of June. But I wanna do earlier. Maybe 3rd or 4th June.

Russian Language – 9th of June. Arghhhhh!!!! That’s why I wanna do Neuro earlier!

Internal Medicine – 22nd of June. Fuhh!

Yup! Final exams are around the corner. Exam month is arriving. The weather is getting hotter and hotter. And it’s a sign that you have to start intensive studying.

Wish me all the best and all the luck in the world for these exams!!

Now I have to study for Obstetric!

She is the 1st!

I just went to do my dermatology exam today. With only half the knowledge, I got 5. LOL.

My class teacher (unfortunally I dunno her name til now) is the 1st female teacher to give me good mark in exam. Before this I get otlichna only from some old man,  middle age teacher, and once a complete perverted teacher. Wahahaha… I’m so happy! I thought female teachers hate me!

But then again, I was sick and constantly coughing in front of her when I was answering, of coz she wanted to get rid of me quickly. So no extra questions.

If I get extra questions maybe I just manage to get 4, or 3. Coz with this terrible condition, I can’t concentrate studying. I got constant cough, weakness, headaches and sometimes subfebrile fever. I slept more than I studied. When writing the test, I kind of seeking for answer here and there for survival. Not very good, but what to do?

I don’t want to be a dermatologist anyway, so marks doesn’t matter.

Obstetric exam will be in about 2 weeks. I have to work hard. I might ended up an obstetrician. Have to fight this sickness!!

Hmm.. I’m thinking of going to hospital, but I’m afraid I might get hospitalized. I have exams in two weeks.. I can’t risk it. But, I can’t risk my health also. Maybe I should go to see doctor..

Damn!

I hate this blog! I should change the layout for a change. Later la.

Quick news:

1. Just got back from city of Kursk. Nice small city 17 hours by bus from here.. My body was all sore when I got back so I slept the whole day on monday. haha. If you ask about Kursk game, well, as always our contingent reserved the last place again. LOL. Where’s the spirit goes?
2. Now dermatology cycle. Exam will be in the next week. Argghh.. The classes are so boring~
3. I wanna call my mummy…
4. My left big toe nail nak tercabut lah! Ouch! Last 2 months, because of my futsal shoes a big hematoma developed under my nail, a few weeks ago the nail started to come off..
5. It was so hot and smelly in the bus nowadays.. Thanks to the sunshine!
6. I’m kinda broke!

Russia is not save?

Bom lah pulak… Tak sayang nyawa mereka ni. Orang yang tak bersalah plak jadi mangsa.. Takziah lah kat mangsa-mangsa bom kat Moscow pagi tadi.. Cepat2 la dalang bom tu kna tangkap.

Hopefully all injured ppl including 2 Malaysians yg di hospitalized skrg ni cepat2 sembuh.

Aftermath of the bombing: Maybe skinhead will rise once more! Coz 2-3 thn ni dah kurang kes skinhead pukul foreigners. Dengar plak bomber tu datang dari luar Russia, takut plak skinheads and other prejudice Russian ppl ni start benci foreigners and mengancam keselamatan ktorg yg menimba ilmu di bumi Russia ni pulak..

Hopefully not. Just a speculation anyway. I watched Russia Today (rt.com), and a psychologist said it might happen.

Kalau nak tgk gambar2 pengeboman (coz mb u cant read) can go here.

Though I looked like this, I’m a 4th year student!

4th year medical student, goddamnit! We’ll but if considering the age, i’m supposed to be in the 5th year now, yet I and some unlucky ppl stuck in a crappy college for a year wasting time – but that’s a different story. Why don’t I act my age? I wonder… Maybe I’m just too spoiled.

That’s all.